Burying my Talents

There’s a parable in Chapter 25 of the Gospel of Matthew, where three servants are entrusted by their master with “talents” - (this was a monetary unit back in the day) and they were expected to do something with the talents in order to make more money with them. The first two servants, given ten talents and five talents each, did as they were asked and doubled the investment. When the master returned, he said, “well done, good and faithful servant,” to the first two. The third servant, on the other hand, who was given only one talent, had ran to a field to bury it. Not what the master had asked him to do.

That’s me.

I want to feel my gifts, my talents, my skills, my creativity, buried within the safety of the warm earth. No one knows it’s there. No other eyes looking upon it to judge.

But then, I think about standing before God someday. I think about this deep longing I have to hear, “well done, good and faithful servant.” And I know what I have to do - even though it makes no logical sense to me. Even though it doesn’t feel useful or important or necessary for the economy or the proper functioning of a society. Even though I have no guarantees as to whether or not I’ll be able to help support my family financially with it. I have to create. And I have to share.

And honestly, I hate it.

The thing I really hate about it is the vulnerability. It's the cold, uncaring gaze of the internet. Maybe it's the uncertainty of the future as well. I keep looking for a plan B, a way out. 

The servant who buries his talents in the parable does so because he doubts the character of the master who entrusted him in the first place. That is the answer that the servant gives when the master returns and expresses his frustration at receiving no return on his investment. What does that mean about me? What does that mean about the way I see and trust God and his character?

I tell God I love Him every day, and I mean it. So why can’t I trust Him with my art?

The answer is: I don’t trust myself at all. And maybe what I’m wrestling with is that I don’t feel like I can trust myself, and if I can’t do my part, then God couldn’t really do His either. But if I’ve learned one thing from reading the entire Bible, it’s that God is really the one who does it all, and that’s part of the good news I can rest in. My part is so minuscule in the grand scheme of things, and the promise I’ve received is that all things can be used for my growth and my good.

I can trust Him to lead me every day, and that is truly enough to give me courage, and hope, and strength. Even in the uncertainty of being seen.

What's funny is that this blog post itself is either "hidden" or "visible." I've had this text in here for days, with it set to "hidden" - unable to gather the strength to set it to "visible" and therefore publish the blog post, allowing the internet to see it (even though really no one will see it - I have barely any audience at the time of writing this). It's time to be visible. Ok, here we go.